Why?

I met K. 14 years ago, at church. I barely got to know her, when I heard through the grapevine that she and her then-husband were going to prison(embezzlment or something like that - they divorced while he was in prison). She got sent off to Julia Tutwiler Prison for Women. A year or so later, I heard she was being released early because she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. After the mastectomy and several rounds of chemo, she came back to church sporting a crew cut. Now a breast cancer survivor and a single parent, she decided to work with the youth at church -"God has put me here for a reason", she would say. Kids loved her. She became the regional youth director, in charge of all the youth camps at Hargis Retreat, etc. But that job doesn't pay very well, and she never could manage money, so she ended up filing for bankruptcy. She lost her apartment, and needed a place to live, so she came to live with us (in our barn apartment - she had no pride). Twice after she moved into the barn, we had to go pick her up after she wrecked her car - she was a terrible driver. A while after she moved in, her neck started to ache, and she learned that she had developed cancer in her cervical spine. More chemo, but she survived that, too. Then her parents died - in the span of about two weeks, she lost her mother, then her father.

She moved into her parents home, but that didn't work out. She wanted to be independent, so she got an apartment in Cahaba Heights, and worked as a church secretary, barely able to pay her bills. Earlier this year, she started losing weight, and this past summer, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer; it's been downhill ever since.

I never heard her complain about any of it - prison, divorce, bankruptcy, losing her parents, or cancer (three times). When I last sat down to talk with her, before it got really bad, she still laughed at my lame jokes. Three weeks ago, she insisted on going back to work - for an hour a day, which was all she could do. As of last week, she was still paying rent on her apartment, hoping she would be able to move back in, although she's lived with her daughter and son-in-law since August.

So I guess you could say she was an ex-con who had bad luck with men, who couldn't balance a checkbook, who "caught" cancer like some people catch colds, beloved by kids she shepherded at camp, a wonderful mother and mother-in-law, and a dear friend. Oh yeah - and an awful driver.

Watching her disintegrate in her hospital bed, the question I keep wrestling with is "Why?". I think she knew the answer:

"God has put me here for a reason" is what she would say.

A friend, near death...

Yesterday, I visited a friend now in the final stages of a battle with cancer. She is almost gone, with family and friends now at watch 'round the clock - the death vigil. All who gather offer support, make small talk, play with cute children so that grown-ups can discuss weighty matters. There is no denial left in this grieving process, only a little anger, some bargaining, lots of sadness, and a trend towards acceptance.

There is so very little to do when a friend is lying there, dying.

Standing at the bedside yesterday, I thought about what I knew of her life, and remembered good times and hard times - she's had cancer before, and has beaten the odds. She was no stranger to trouble - all kinds of trouble - but she was a tough as nails...

I imagined myself lying there. If I am dying, I thought, I want music around me - I grew up in a house filled with music; the quietness at times like this feels a little like darkness. So, in the silence, as we were standing there waiting for my friend to take another breath, this old hymn came to mind:

"Come thou fount of every blessing, Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy never ceasing, Call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet, Sung by flaming tongues above;
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it, Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Here I'll raise my Ebenezer, Hither by Thy help I'll come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger, Wand'ring from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed his precious blood.

Oh, to grace how great a debtor, Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, Bind my wand'ring heart to Thee:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above."

Aside from the beautiful poetry here, written by Robert Robinson, this song contains a reference to something called an "Ebenezer". In the Old Testament, the Israelites had great battles with the Phillistines. Once, after defeating the Phillistines, Samuel marked the victory by erecting a stone monument, which he called the Stone of Help (in Hebrew, "Even Ezer"). It was a way of giving thanks to God for the help that could only come from Him. So, an "Ebenezer" is a commemorative of this fact: Although we have been through a great battle, with troubles, trials, and tribulations, we have had a helper, an advocate, a friend.

This is for K., ever faithful, right to the end. These words are my "Ebenezer", erected in memory of her battle with cancer. It is a reminder to all of us she leaves behind, that although the battle is long and at times the rewards are few, there is a Help in times of trouble, there is a Song in the silence, there is a Light in the darkness.